I've been searching everywhere....

for i am an island
of a boy

and i often miscommunicate
what it is that i truly want to say

about who i am
and not what others
tell me

for people are strange animals
never meant to be tamed
just misunderstood

i have had to write a whole
new map
of the human heart
this year.

so believe in
me

as i believe
in you....


i can only go forward from here
in an exquisite way

a deep, meaningful journey
inside of myself

It's up to you, yeah you.

the best-laid plans of men and mice are no more than just good intentions if never acted upon..

so many individuals lead lives of quiet desperation, i breathe in through my mouth and cast myself into the fire, swimming until i find my stride, for what is this life if not for this elusive happiness?

the dream. the desire. to live in a city surrounded by culture. surrounded by friends who to you are the moon and the stars and the sun.

i often miss certain people more than places, the warmth in their eyes, the empathy in their faces, their tell-tale hearts beating in 4/4...

so often that i forget to express my camaraderie in words when i can see them again....and just smile knowingly.

When friendships end...You will still love her.

...and with my hands under my thighs
i swore an oath to be near the things
i love the best.


as i rake the coals i try to re-discover what is beneath me and what i am capable of. i can love. yes. i can still love amongst the January embers for as this year draws to a close with its gaping mouth i walk amidst flames. Emotions and explosions the alchemist inside of me dreams of fire and renewal within a moment's breath of yesteryear. The tricolor tongue of crimson, gold,and amber color the night sky with the wind behind my eyes and a song nestled in my memories...

for whatever armor i had before i had to learn to let go for the taste of the days that still burn. and i have learned that a need can run so deep that the only way to end the thirst was to risk it all. With a wineglass in hand i call out into the night illuminated and sing the names of those who i admire most. Standing alongside the choir of flames for they know how i sear, they stand witness to my laughing eyes and dancing heart. For i am cut from a different cloth than others, i wear my heart on my sleeve and my courage in my throat. Through these times of troubles i know i will stay true to myself and live again burning brightly....

I know the feeling....

listening to the National now, is like listening to REM in the 80's, wishing that i could could wrap my arms around the stereo for hours...

la,la,la,la...la,la...

Killing time in Japanese offices while missing my vinyl record collection,
 it takes a forced perspective to look at life through these lens..

i capture kind moments as much as i can with these eyes sunken as a raccoon, prowling around online when i should be making worksheets.

could it be that i miss people. not places? their personalities? their faces? those who are not strangers but with whom i can break bread and not be rebuked..

often times it's the elusive memories that get clouded over.

the weight of someone in bed next to you, the feeling of euphoria that comes over you while singing earnestly, the smell of peach blossoms, the sensation of floating on water, the comfort of talking to someone in the dark even though you can`t see their face...

****************************************

i can`t see that far,
and i can`t feel that near
only when cold water splashed
on my face can i wake up
from such volatile daydreams....

"people are strange, when you a stranger..."

is it strange? ... feeling that family members are
strangers?

or that i long for a rare
roundtable
of us meeting together
for non-superficial things....

too many times
its tragedy that brings
us together
but it does not bind us

like other
latino families...

*************************************

Paronychia infections, saltwater, bento boxes, fighting fruit flies on a daily basis....

July 15th, 2009:

hands not held, lips not met,
hips not swung, necks not caressed.

these are a few of my favorite things.
and yet. it's so difficult to
share them. espouse them.
involve them.

metaphors for different women
in different times
in my different lives.

i feel like i have used these lives all up
in an attempt to find my own
identity.

rambling incoherently yet sober as ever.
i picked a bad time to curb my drinking.

****************************************

i take comfort into singing songs aloud with my little iPod by the wayside....

July 14th, 2009:

taking trains across Tokyo, the Yamanote Loop into stagnant heartache, i sit there waiting for my stop wishing my life was a Murikami novel instead.

i float through Shibuya and Harajuku on a hot afternoon nameless and lacking identity. drifting through a crowd of fashionistas and tastemakers i wonder how much more time i have to kill in Ibaraki prefecture before i can live again.

i stand bravely in the face of emotional and financial debt to more than one individual or institution.

but knowing that it will never end.
the gnawing sensation that i just don't know...
i just don`t know what to do about it.

but jane says.

that she has never been in love.
and listening to that song about it.

thinking about
tomorrow.
i am still thinking about
tomorrow.

i'm going away.

i will get on that silver bird and fly away to
where i can get my head straight
and wonder why i wander
around so aimlessly

**************************