....there are wolves here abound

i came back from Ibaraki-ken with questions bursting out of me.

why i did
what i did
when i was there.

yesteryear.


**************

Thanksgiving dinner was truly something beautiful to behold, Lori really outdid herself this time. Truly a queen amongst the kitchen, I could only shower her with praise as Keenan showed me the way to the table with a glad heart. We ate heartily into the night. I was told by morning that i had emptied a good 2/3rds of a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon.

Something about whiskey and i have always resonated with each other...it always bathed my insides with a warmth. A warmth not seen since i left my Johnny Cash vinyl records behind. The journey to their home only took a 2 hour train ride from Tokyo to Mito. i passed Arakawaoki Station. then i passed Tsuchiura.

my heart leapt into my throat.

it had been quite a long time since i traveled this far on the Joban train line....listening to songs that somehow got me through my sojourn into the Japanese countryside.

wolves were running free.
baying against the grapefruit moon
my heart had grown heavy
with each and every tune.

the whole night had been akin to a Tom Waits song.black cap perched jauntily above my head.
i sang these songs walking from the Japanese train station in the darkness of the night

looking for Keenan donning his own brown hat.


*********

i made it to Akatsuka in one piece. yet i was glued back together by the promise of camaraderie.  Friends from Oregon living out there in Ibaraki prefecture.

i felt almost normal.

Devoid of the holiday drama that plagued these holidays before. the mashed potatoes in my mouth. the homemade apple pie gave me a scolding that i had not known comfort food like this for so long.

*********

the next day was spent walking alongside the lake in Mito with all the lovely ducks clamoring for bread. smiled when i saw the Black Swans swimming by with their young.little gray, fuzzy ugly ducklings. i had not seen such a bird since the first time i came to Japan. the swans with their proud necks and graceful maneuvers. They must have looked awkward to the haughty goose and his mate that passed us on the way to the bridge.

Tsuchiura seemed like forever ago.

although i must admit that i had missed the sunsets in Ibaraki-ken hanging overhead the rice paddies

a brilliant purple, orange, crimson-tinged sadness of my former days.


**********************

np: Bonnie "Prince" Billy - "You will miss me when i burn"

...so i got evicted from my first apt. in Tokyo

truth is, i hated living there.

it seemed to have a theme of failure associated around it

and i only attached sour memories mostly to these walls and doorframes.

as luck would have it, my half-British half-Japanese co-worker ended up being my savior in said situation.

He offered me the keys to a guesthouse apartment in Nakano-Shimbashi that he himself rented out due to a domestic dispute with his Japanese college-age missus.

However, she reconciled and he was back in her good graces within two days sans the apt. deposit.

So, he lent me his room free of charge since he no longer required it.

the milk of human kindness absolutely gushes through his veins.

of that i have no doubt....

*************

Life is absurd like that sometimes.

I worked quickly like a honeybee to round up everything i owned. Miscellaneous items, books, important letters, documents, worn-out clothing...

and tossed them into my battered, weather-beaten suitcase that i had bought in South Florida right before my flight to Munich.

Clearing out everything was like a time capsule of sorts.

Unsent postcards from Phuket, old passport fotos, rail tickets from Europe, smudged little pieces of paper with scrawled email addresses of the lovely French people that I had encountered on my first trip in Kyoto.

i was not just packing up belongings, but also memories....

my abrupt departure from Kamakura no longer haunts me

but rather my brutal and unforgiving uphill battle to stay in Japan from last May onwards taught me many valuable lessons.

being unemployed and having no place to live right before the festive Golden Week seemed daunting.

overwhelming at first.

almost impossible.

yet i soldiered on....

not willing to give up my dream of living in Tokyo just yet.

all those awful part-time jobs and hostile foreigners from spring to summer seem like a distant memory at the moment.

i barely recognize myself sometimes.

i had grown a cynical shell...become almost half the man i used to be.

yet.

i wanted to rise above it all.

getting evicted from my Oakhouse residence seemed to be just another catalyst for me to smash this Broken Year into more pieces.

getting in heated Japanese-language arguments with the irate housemanager only served this current situation was poignant albeit necessary for me to move on from the shitstorm of the previous months.

i have been evicted from many friendships in Tokyo as well.

I am starting to cut out the people and their lives from mine who serve no purpose other than to remind me of this horrible year.

There are others who i much rather invest and put my energy into.

and i crave their friendship as well as their intellect.

i recently got invited to a Thanksgiving feast in Ibaraki prefecture this Saturday.

a smile broke out on my face when i read that email.

i have not had an enjoyable holiday since that pivotal Thanksgiving in Bangkok....

*****************

...these tiny scars serve to remind us of who we really are & what we can become..."

August 17th, 2010

i fell asleep in Nara.

I woke up in a traditional Japanese guesthouse wondering where that black cat went. She was hiding amongst the sliding wooden panel doors. When i learned her given name, it was a painful surprise. It stung me quite a bit. The very name that haunts me wherever i go….the owner hailed from Brasil, but spoke impeccable Japanese.

I was in this very same town almost 5 months ago...remembering the tiny scar on my right-hand wrist. Remembering what it symbolizes since we all scar so easily..and to think that time heals most wounds.

I think of my loved ones, for I often miss people more than places.

**********************

I ran into 2 female interns helping out with the local Nara International Film Festival. Teava and Zenetra were their given names. They are both sisters from the West Coast. One studied at Stanford and the other at the University of Reno. Both majored in something relating to film. They are a mix of Thai, Laotian, and something else. Both of them are the sum of everything interesting to talk to. Many questions were asked about my time spent in Thailand since they had never been there.

I spoke with a sort of romanticism about the land despite its inherent flaws. Especially the small town life that I encountered there.

I realized that although I had missed the Thai countryside somewhat, it was the breath-taking sunsets that I had yearned for the most. the cheerful smiles of my neighbors. the beaming faces of my Thai kindergarteners. the translucent azure waters. the lazy beaches that had seemed lifted from a dreamscape. those weeping tropical rainstorms.

all this came to mind when I closed my eyes and sighed out of my open mouth….

Nara was celebrating its 1300^th year anniversary. The ancient town never struck me as my favorite place in Japan. Too many wild deer clamoring for sembei crackers sold in bunches by weary vendors. I often got bit by them or poked by their antlers, Small children screaming in abject horror with terrified eyes while their parents laugh incessantly. Some of the tamed deer bore many scars like most of us do in our lives. Who knows where they got them from. A vehicle or one of their peers perhaps. I did not think i would miss Nara as I climbed back into my mini-van.

On these long drives in Japan i could think to myself clearly for the first time in years.

******************

....the heart wants what the heart wants

September 7th, 2010

Someone asked me today if I missed you....

I didn't answer.

I just closed my eyes and walked away.

and I whispered

"....so much"

***************
You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel....

For once i could believe..that all could be solved on distant shores...yet i climbed mountains instead not sure what to achieve...

August 12th, 2010

Red sand.

Ice-covered slopes.

 I climbed Fuji-san 

with a sad song in my heart 

and hope in my eardrums….

It’s almost as though I was leaving my past behind at the foot of the mountain. Daring myself to rise above it all.

To rise above this broken year 

and to realize the weight of these words

 upon the bridge called my back.

The higher the altitude, 

the thinner the air,  

it became harder to breathe.

 I began to dream out loud while adjusting my head-lamp in the dark.

Every rock and every outcropping along the way
turned into symbolism as I made the ascent upwards.
Reminders of the troubles that I have encountered
head on.

Fuji had taunted me
“Come, climb me”.
I put too many things on hold
when it came time to hold on tighter,
the rope became a noose around my neck.

The inky black night betrayed by shooting stars
I stumbled on and on
in brand new hiking boots bought in North Tokyo.
Every bottle of water that I consumed
fueled my dream engine towards the summit.

John Lennon once told me that life is what happens to you
while you are busy making plans.
that adventure finds you when you least expect it
you must embrace like a long-lost cousin.

Words and feelings came out of me
when I saw the night sky
overhead the city lights of Fuji City.
The clouds looked like ivory quilts
 blanketing the landscape
comforting me with the aesthetic
of climbing in the dark.

Clad in a Swiss backpack given to me in Bangkok,
a Japanese Uniqlo shell jacket,
worn-out denim Levi’s
...and a red handkerchief tied around my neck

I felt like a bandit trying to escape exactly what ailed me that year. Altitude sickness did not overcome me as much as a sense of knowing that I knew I had to process this climb later and the importance of it.

I had failed to chronicle this year in words, but mostly did it through wine and song. Fuji-yama had challenged me to start writing again the way musicians improvise with their instruments. I had sorely missed engaging in the written word for solace or for enjoyment.

As I reached the top of the summit, it felt a bit anti-climatic due to the massive crowd assembled up there. My Japanese and Danish companions disappeared in the mob trying to fight it out for the best view of the morning sunrise.

I sat nestled on a rock formation trying to capture my breath.

 

Looking over the crest of the summit into the white billowing clouds, I felt as though I could the see the edge of forever....

**********************************

np: Andhéri - "Hvernig á að særa vini sína"

Heaving devotion but it's just no good....Taking it hard just like you knew I would....

May 28^th, 2010

I often miss people more than places.

At least that's the mantra I repeat to myself as I struggle out of my bunk bed in a half-hearted attempt.

Daylight streams in lazily through the window of this forlorn guesthouse room and I begin to wonder how I even got into this situation in the first place.

Living in Tokyo was always something that I had earnestly wanted to happen, but not in this fashion and certainly not in these circumstances. I barely have enough funds to secure a cheap bottle of red wine, let alone pay the monthly rent on this dilapidated shared room.

I start to come out of my stupor realizing what I do every time I awaken.

That very first thought that crushes me completely every single morning.

That she is never coming back.

Ever.

How did it come it to this?

*************

np: She & Him - "Sentimental Heart"