…words often left unsaid.

Prolonging the pain enough just to feel something for once. If everything is not so epic will life be just a series of mundane episodes one after another?


I am not sure if I can bear this much longer.


Adulthood creeps in ever so unceremoniously and I am not getting any younger.


I am simply too old for this Mickey Mouse bullshit…..



Buses to Bangkok but all I can think about are wheat fields with crows. Youth is passing me by. All I do is shove my fist against my teeth to stifle a scream born out of a knowing sense that certain things may not actually improve my lot in life….

Eyes closed. Mouth agape. We wonder why our chances are so few and far between for love between two sarcastic people.

Never too serious.

Never too truthful.

Always trying to be oh so clever!

Without admitting that we are both scared..

..because relationships are scary.

They are downright fucking frightening.

Relationships are scary because Paulie Bruce said so

And I have no reason not to believe him.

They are filled with fear and misguided intentions. Two people scared of liking each other so much that they think are spending too much time with the wrong person.

What does it feel like?

What it does it fucking feel like to be in love?

Maybe I got it all wrong in my late twenties to think I could have had it all figured out by now

Real people fight about real shit. Things that actually matter.

Others are just putting words into their mouths when they just want to put their tongues, names, feelings, and dreams in each other.

Why do we fight?

After all it isn’t the years it's the mileage like Indiana Jones said to me once.

My ideal mate may never exist...

and…

I always wanted to date a girl who actually knew who Joe Strummer was.

But I am tired of the fantasy…

the Rob Fleming in me is in the Rob Gordon in me except that I still listen to Tina Turner records wondering how her Buddhism calmed her down…

If my life were a novel no one would ever read it

It looks like it time to re-invent myself again…



- cousin, 25.12.08 

Life in Ibaraki-ken is beginning to stifle me a bit...

I try to be patient in that i won't always live in this prefecture and that i should learn more about its place within historical Japan.

The art of Kyudo in particular interests me.

Japanese archery has different forms and stances, and my Junior High has some strong female competitors.


These teenage girls can be quite the giggle-fest in the classroom. Yet, while practicing Kyudo, a seriousness comes over their faces like tides shifting current in the night. They control their breathing, tense their fingers on the bow, and aim their missiles to the hearts of their destinations.









The girls offered to let me try my hand at shooting the bow, but i felt inexperienced and politely declined since they take their craft in such an intense manner.

"Tired and wired we ruin too easy...sleep in our clothes and wait for summer to leave..."

July 17th, 2009:

those grey morning clouds
come out to greet me
when i walk out of my apartment...

its almost like i want to start
again...

these circumstances seem to defeat
me when i got more than i bargained for.

kindness becomes hardened
more often than not
whenever words...our words... are wielded

i beg for your pardon
why do we do this to ourselves?
it's like i can stand on the edge of a knife
forever

and i just don`t like the taste of it...
no, i don`t like the taste of it.

the after-taste
of the choices we make
still haunt me sometimes.

but how can i measure?
when the following days
don`t seem so different from the next


its all tea and theatre

i suppose.


****************************************

"I'm getting tired, I'm forgetting why.."

Sojourn to Japan...

....I tried to come to this country with no expectations.

After heeding many warnings from cynical expats and jaded teachers alike, I almost gave up on coming here.

Yet, I've always wanted to realize my eventual sojourn to Japan. After years of false starts and failed teaching contracts, I finally landed a job...not as an instructor at an eikawa in the capital as I had originally intended...but as a Junior High School ALT in Ami.


Small in comparison to Tokyo.



Flat in landscape and not much quite unique about it. Its a suburban town with a HUGE military base and low-rise buildings. The most interesting thing is that even though I work in Ami...I don't live there!

I live on the outskirts of Tsuchiura City in Ibaraki prefecture, which in itself is a promising small city. It boasts a medieval castle, a scenic park, and a celebrated fireworks festival among other things. However, since I live on the border of Tsuchiura and Ami, I am a bit far from these cultural delights. in time, I will have have to be my own personal Magellan and explore these places on foot and via train. This is caused by my circumstance of not having a car in Japan.








still.





Something about living in this part of central Japan resonates within me at this point in my life. chaotic financial decisions and lack of grad school options aside, I am eager for the opportunity to save some money to aid my wilting bank account and settle some debts.





What more can I say?

an anthology of sorts:

 Rock Werchter Festival, Belgium 2008:

- seeing Sigur Rós look so surreal in live concert. with feathers behind their ears. splendid costumes. and cannons shooting confetti in the air. Icelandic sagas sung full of hope and longing. yearning and desire.


- Beth Ditto giving it her all to the adoring crowd. The Gossip are punk rock feminism personified. She was cracking hilarious jokes. seeming so at ease and so at home on the microphone.


- Nick Cave in his Grinderman side project persona. backed by scary bearded fuckers rocking out on instrumentals and breaking violins. frightening onlookers with his clever bombastic vernacular. not for the faint of heart. singing "No Pussy Blues" indeed!! That dude scares me and fascinates me at the same time. can't wait to see him with the Bad Seeds.


- My Morning Jacket jamming out in all their glorious audio beautiful reverb. Jim James does what he does best. sing everyone's hearts into gorgeous oblivion was dreaming out loud and in color. i love this band. and i understand why everyone else hates them. but they can't deduce why My Morning Jacket brings me such JOY.


- The National bringing it home to an amazing & appreciative crowd and the feeling of being alive again finally came over me. like honey and sweet milk. i was glad to be out of Korea for once. i can't believe they sucked so hard live in Cambridge. and yet there i was dumbstruck of how GREAT Matt Berninger voice actually sounded. needless to say i was finally converted.


- R.E.M. onstage indulging us in sonic nostalgia and stimuli for moist eyes. Michael Stipe leading us to believe that music meant something again. Mike Mills and Peter Buck smiling at everyone in the crowd made me glad that their latest album is a true return to form at last.


- seeing Neil Young live with old friends as he YANKED out his guitar strings one by one, then proceeded to SNAP off the whammy bar off his guitar COMPLETELY and then GRIND the fretboard of the abused guitar against his amplifier SONIC YOUTH-style.......FUCKING AWESOME....

what a living legend..!!


- Radiohead reminding me why i fell in love with them in first place as they roared with a triumphant headlining slot. the new songs sound great live. Johnny Greenwood murdering everyone not SO softly with his brilliant guitarwork. Thom Yorke dancing like an elf electrocuted but in an endearing and heartfelt manner. eyes closed. mouths agape. great fucking live show.

..for all long to fall for one.

***************************************


"it was all a dream. i used to read Word Up! Magazine...."

- C. Wallace


In dreams i'll be in a glass submarine somewhere near the beaches of Brooklyn. stardust memories and all. i still remember Reykjavík. clear daylight at midnight only in Iceland. on my way to Copenhagen to see Mike McCready with his Gibson Flying V guitar. with glow-in-the-dark stickers.

In Denmark, Danny Weste and i drank our fill of beer and Bob Dylan songs that night. saying absurd things to ourselves such as that:

"... only Danish high school girls have the best eyes..."

yet there they were!

young nubile Nordic beauties prancing & dancing around
with white Royal Danish Navy caps
perched jauntily on their lovely heads.
laughing and drinking without a care in the world.

 These girls with glasses of beer
in their hands
 were recent school graduates.

Yuri explained that it was
traditional Danish high school custom
to bestow those white caps
with the red bands & black bills...

oh those drunken memories...i still have the pictures to prove it

actually all happened....


*****************************

"...if i am falling down..with desire."

O these sleepless nights!


eyes unclosed.


Massachusetts is my mistress.


i can never be far away from her for long.
the whispering sea beckoning to me.

night-time shoreline filled
in with inky black backdrop.
the stuff of dreamscape.

sailor's stars painted in the sky.
 and i wide-eyed wandering
along on foot.

yet sometimes i wish
the silence would swallow me whole.
billowing night sky opens its cavernous mouth.
i climb inside

...and wonder out loud with the wind rushing in through my eyes.




****************************************
eyes open.

his fears are are forgotten to others.
his intentions woefully misunderstood.
he will press on