....even it means disappearing for a while somewhere worse

some say that great suffering produces extraordinary character. i have always found it easy to encourage others, but never myself....

so its no wonder i smile when even my smallest desires come true because it takes the loneliness out of just merely existing.

sometimes i touch my face just to see if i am there

i don't know where i am going or what i will do when i get there. but even just in this exact moment. its past 3am....

i am more alive to the tune of when i stepped out of the plane.

the next 4 weeks will be full of detestable people and petty minds, currency exchange and language merchants.


hopefully there will be more long nights like this where i can just die to the world and failure will never know my doorstep....

the fire that burns behind eyes

 January 2004:

Massachusetts silent snow falls without remorse
life is my lantern to light my oil ablaze.

its been almost 5 years since i let you go....

i let go of your raven hair
and soulful eyes
and those gentle hands

gentle knowing hands.

i let you go free as a wild bird into the night.
We embraced one last time
in the dark futile shadows.
minds set adrift
kissing you in the white moonlight
with the honesty showing on our faces.

 we had woven our lonely fingers together
and made a fist of terrible beauty.
the raindrops fell on us
as you put your mouth on mine.

We sighed through our tongues
and we exhaled through our eyes.
I remember looking at yours
while closed
i cupped your face with vivid hands
 the warmth of your breath on mine.

Your mouth was as warm as Dutch apple pie
and tasted like a ripe lime.
The fullness of it overwhelmed my senses.
your touch was piano ivory keys.
surrealistic and pure.

i traced the lines of your painfully honest face
with my fingers
softly reading the moment into memory.
you don't see me the way i saw you.
Yet i couldn't give you what you needed
and i failed to realize what i had.
 i could not part the waters of the sea between you and me....

time passed as i walked the Great Wall in the rain,
you ran and embraced me
when i came back from my travels to China.
Thinking of you just made the return journey longer.
i cried inside as i let you see the smile on my face.
The small of your back was no longer a place
for me to rest my weary hands.... 

We drifted apart like a Ghost Ship lost in the Sea of Japan.


years later i last saw you wearing a black evening gown....
i looked as rough as i felt
you were surprised to see me
i shrugged my shoulders
and said goodbye inside of myself....
but sometimes i hear those dark piano riffs
and it helps me to forget

that





pure kiss in the honest moonlight....